Tuesday, March 12, 2013

This isn't really a post at all.... (possible trigger)

Seriously,  I'm not sure why you're reading this, because I am not really sure why I'm writing it.  I have nothing relevant to say.  I have no new to report, nothing creative going on on my brain.  But I am trying to meet my 1000 word goal for the day, a daily goal which I rarely meet, and only because of a total lack of effort.  Not even for anything awesome like having kids or a life that gets in the way or anything.  Sucky right?

I haven't had much momentum lately, but I am starting to feel like myself again.  See, I didn't fill my prescriptions for several months and had been slowly being sucked back down into depression. It got pretty bad, like bad enough that I looked up some pretty scary things on the internet.  I wont get into what, but suffice it to say that it was a wake up call for me.  I wasn't better, I still needed my meds.

That was hard for me, knowing that I will most likely be chemically dependent on mood stabilizers for my whole life is a tough pill for me to swallow.  (Pun not intended, but it made me smile so it stays)  I don't want to be dependent on anyone or anything, but I must admit that my life without mood stabilizers is much much better than life without them.

Without my meds I cry about everything, and nothing, literally I cry for no freaking reason at all, for hours.  I also yell all the time!  Constantly yelling about everything, at the dogs, at my husband at my family.  CONSTANT.

Now I am back on my meds and it is getting better, slowly but surely.  There is less crying and more smiles.  Less yelling and more calm.  I don't freak out about everything, more like every other thing, and that too will get  better with time.

What i need to remember is that needing my meds doesn't make me weak, but remembering to take them can make me strong.