Monday, January 11, 2016

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 9

Day 9: Post some words of wisdom that speak to you.

For a lot of these making the choice of what to post about is the hardest part!  There are so many brilliant and wise and inspirational people out there that have had so much to say and have made such an impact, not only on me but on the world.

I am going to go with a portion of the poem Invictus by William Ernst Henley.  Honestly the entire poem is AMAZING.  A friend of mine got tattooed on his back in it's entirety.  The ending phrase culminates the entire thing beautifully and speaks to just how in charge you are of your life.  They read.

"I am the captain of my fate, I am the master of my soul"

These words, especially in conjunction with the rest of the poem give me chills every time.  Fate is yours to drive, and your soul is your own.  No one can change that.

If you haven't before please go read the poem.  It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 8

Day 8: Share something you struggle with

Well, there's so much that I could talk about here.  We all have our daemons, some more than others.  I mean there's my Hashimotos, my weight, anxiety, depression, I could go on.  But for this I will talk about my relationship with my mother.

My mother and I do not have a a relationship at this point.  This was a conscious choice that I made for myself, and my well being and mental health.

Let's go back, my fist memory of my mother is of her saying "shhh" in the parking lot of the lilac mall and doing lines off of a tiny mirror before we went in.  I would get put in the corner as if I was in trouble so she could get high with her friends.  This was all before I was five.

I always wanted to be a performer, I was a little ham and wanted to sing and dance and act.  I didn't get any support for any of my dreams.  Ironically, except for writing.  As I got older and puberty set in I got chubby, like a lot of kids do.  And instead of trying to teach me healthy eating habits and ways to get more movement into my day She called me fat.  And told me I should diet.  I have written before about the time she told me it was good that I was so hungry my stomach hurt, so that I might lose a few pounds.

I lived with my mother from the ages of 4 to 16, prior to that I lived with my wonderful Grandparents.  the final straw in my living with my mother was the night that she threw a ceramic bowl across the house at my head and it shattered against the wall.  It was a heavy bowl and I am grateful that she missed.  The next day i came home and packed all of my clothes into grocery bags and never looked back.

This put a strain on my relationship with my Grandparents too, she blamed them for my leaving.  Nothing has ever been her fault.  If things went missing, I did it.  If her relationships didn't work out, it was because of me.

This wasn't the end of my relationship with my mother, but at this point we didn't speak for about a year.

I broke down first.  What girl doesn't want to have a relationship with their mother?  Well, this girl did.  But the mental abuse and anguish didn't end.  It was like having a bad boyfriend that you keep going back to.  This same pattern repeated over and over again, well into adult hood.

Last year there was an incident, that I choose not to go into that made me cut my ties with her for good.  I still struggle with this choice.  Part of me is still that little girl who just wants her mother to love her and be proud of her.  The holidays this year were rough.  My mother wanted to come, but didn't want to make me uncomfortable.  I mean, we share family, I'm not going to be mean to her, I'm just not going to go out of my way to maintain a relationship with her.  i am not so delusional that i think I wont ever see her again at holidays and events.  Anyway, since there were decades where she didn't speak to my grandparents I chose to skip Christmas so they could see her.  I did that for them.

This time around I really do think she gets it though.  She hasn't called or emailed or texted.  She hasn't sent me a gift for the holidays or my birthday.  Part of me is grateful for that, and part of me is sad that I don't seem to warrant any effort.

Do I wish things were different?  Of course I do, but I recognize that this relationship was toxic and I really needed to end that.  I have been making better choices for myself lately and that was a big one.  But there are days where this is way hard.  Like right now, typing this, I am crying.  Sad but true, it's heart breaking to me that I cant have a relationship with my mom.  But it's not good for either of us.  there is so much more to this story, but its all so emotionally exhausting, I cant say more if I want to get this posted anytime soon.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 7!

Day 7: List 10 songs you are loving right now

Wow.  Y'all I'm going to be honest.  I don't have a radio, like anywhere, so these might be REAL old...And i cant list all my favorites, but Ill list the first 10 I think of!

1- Mary did you know (pentatomix) Christmas just passed and their harmonies are SO tight and it gave me goosebumps all December long.

2- Anything Lindsey Stirling.  Seriously I love it all.

3- SHOOP- (Salt N Peppa)  Throwing it back!  I still know all the words!

4- All about that Bass (Meghan Trainor) I cant even stop I dig it so hard still!  So fun!

5- Before he Cheats (Carrie Underwood)

6- Vivaldi Gloria

7- Beethoven's 5th Symphony

8- Let it Be (Beatles) Always a classic, and really  I love all the renditions of this piece

9- Sandi Thom.  All of it.

10- Purple Rain (Prince) an all time favorite.

Friday, January 8, 2016

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 6

Day 6: List 5 ways to win your heart.

1- Be funny.  Seriously, a person who can make me laugh will win my heart, at least as my friend.

2- Be kind. As a person who was bullied and still deals with being stereotyped today a kind person is a sure fire way into my heart.

3- Appreciate art.  In all varieties.  music and performance and sculpture and graffiti.  All of it!

4- Love animals and nature.  I will know more about you based on how you treat animals and the earth than you could ever actually tell me

5- Be yourself.  Being truly and unapologetically, 100% genuinely yourself is always the best.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

30 day Writing Challenge: Day 5!

List 5 places you would like to visit,
 Y'all so many of these are just lists.... boring, but I will finish all 30 days!

1- Ireland!  Duh.  I have Irish heritage and its so beautiful and I just love it.
2- France!  Um Food, and romance, and art?  I'm SO in
3- Somewhere Tropical.  Really, like anywhere tropical!  I've never been!
4- Alaska!  Stunning, and natural, and the northern lights.  Sigh...
5- Sri Lanka- The pearl of the Indian ocean!

Where do you want to go?

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 4

Day 4: Write about someone who inspires you.

This one is though for me.  There are so many people, both real and fictional, who inspire me.  There are inspirational people everywhere.

For this challenge I choose to writ about Anne of Green Gables. If you haven't read the ORIGINAL 3 books, you really should, also, spoilers.

For a fictional character, she kicked some pretty major ass.  She was orphaned.  Got sent to an old couple expecting a boy.  Almost got "returned" like an object.  She held up her chin and with stubbornness and determination she proved her worth and got them to keep her, and eventually love her.

She attended school where she was bullied by a fellow classmate, granted he eventually became her husband, but that's not the point.  She was always told her place by the teacher, who wouldn't even spell her name right.  She stood up for herself at every turn, regardless of the obstacle she faced.

She faced adversity as an adult as well.  there was loss, when Michael died, and when her baby passed.  She was resilient and strong and has surely shaped my life and the way I live my life.  To see (read) a girl, stand up for herself and become a strong woman despite everything society threw at her, especially as a young impressionable girl, really made a strong impression on me.

I have my demons, don't we all, but I strive every day to be more like Anne!  (With an E)

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Writing Challenge Day 2 AND 3!

So, day 2 is getting posted now because my computer overheated and it was late so I went to bed....
the bright side is you get a double dose today!  Wohoo!

Day 2: Write something that someone told you that you never forgot

You're fat.

Seriously, more people than I care to remember, including my own mother.  I was called "orca" in middle school.  I wasn't even fat then!  It totally still effects me to this day.  Want to know more check out my old post here.

Day 3:  What are your top 3 pet peeves

Intolerance.
Animal Cruelty
My tiny tiny tiny apartmen

Im so boring today :-(