Stigma

Howdy!  This is  bit of an older topic, I came across it while cleaning out some folders in my computer and realized i had never put it up.  Happy reading!

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I’m listening to my coworkers talk about 13 reasons why, and talking about how “stupid” Hannah is, and how most of her situations were preventable, and she should have learned the first time.  And it literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

You see, I was that girl, some days I still am that girl.  Some of my issues were/are different from the ones presented in the show/book, but everything always happens to me. 

The way they are talking about her is part of the issue.  Clearly there’s more to what happened than what is shown.  There’s some depression and anxiety going on, and going untreated.  That changes how you view EVERYTHING.  Like, literally, everything.   You start to feel like you deserve everything that’s happening to you and like your sheer existence is taxing on everyone you know and love.  Oh, and of course your brain says they don’t actually love you, they just tolerate you because they feel bad for you.  It’s feeling unworthy of everything, and thinking you are a disappointment.  It’s making every little thing that goes wrong into the end of the world. Because that’s how it feels, it feels like a single misstep will shatter the precarious balance in your brain.   The worst part, for me anyway, is sometimes, your rational self knows that it’s not true.  Your husband won’t leave you because you burned a pizza one time.  But you simply cannot make yourself believe it. 

One of their biggest gripes with the show/book is that so much of what happened was “preventable”.  Which is certainly true, but most bad things that happen are.  She could have chosen to not drink, she could have chosen to not go for that walk, she could have chosen to not wait on Clay to make the first move; she could have chosen a lot of different paths.  But accidents happen, and choices were made, and teenagers make stupid decisions all the time.  Adults do too!  We all are flawed, and messy and beautifully human.  Why this girl should be condemned for making the same choices so many people make every day is beyond me.  Just because it affected her differently, doesn’t make it less common.  She was still a victim.  She was still a person and she deserved to be heard. 

I suppose, if you’ve never been her, her position could be hard to understand.  But that’s part of the issue.  It’s not just that you feel that way; it’s that people don’t understand and it can feel like they don’t care.  And most often they don’t.  They think you’re being dramatic, which you are, but the brain chemistry says otherwise, and people being dismissive makes you feel worse.  It’s reaching out for help and not getting any.  It’s opening up only for people to turn a blind eye.  It’s reaching out for help and actually getting treated the way your brain thinks you’re being treated all the time. Not to mention that when you are reaching out, you are already so fearful of the reaction you will get that you do so quietly.  You ask indirect questions, and hypotheticals.  You think you’re screaming it from the rooftops, you think it’s so clear, can’t everyone see?   You feel like you’re such a mess, and so worthless, that of course everyone can see it.  It feels huge and overwhelming and glaringly obvious. 

I have heard people say the warning signs are silent, they aren’t, but they aren’t always obvious either. 

There doesn’t really seem to be a point to this, but I had to get it out.  Thanks for listening!