TRIGGER WARNING for Depression and bullying
Today I am a stranger. The
reflection is the same, except for the eyes. When I am not a stranger my
eyes are bright blue, vibrant and full of life. The strangers’ eyes are
grey, dull, and listless; no light reaches them, even when she smiles.
Her smile looks like mine, but it doesn’t feel the same.
It’s exhausting when she is here, the stranger who invades my
body. She makes it go through the motions of the day without any help or
consent from me. She smiles at my family, and pets my dogs, she works at
my job and I just watch.
It’s the watching that’s the hardest. The lack of control
while my body moves and my voice speaks without thought. I know, because
I am not thinking of the things that are happening, it is not my thoughts that
are controlling my path this day. I wonder if the stranger is thinking of
them, or if she is as empty as she seems to me.
I fight for release, but she I too
heavy to move. She will stay as long as
she pleases. Sometimes just an hour, or
a day. Often she stays much longer. I couldn’t tell you about her longest stay,
certainly long enough for me to lose track of the days and months. I couldn’t tell you about her first visit
either, far enough back that I don’t remember ever not knowing her.
Somethings seem to call to her, to
let her in. When cruel boys called me
orca in middle school. When I was so
hungry that my stomach hurt and my mother said, good, maybe you will lose some
weight. The hundredth time you give up on a new hobby,
when the laundry starts to pile up.
The stranger is lazy. She doesn’t like to do chores, or read or
write or record or go outside or exercise.
She doesn’t do anything. When she
is here all I can do is watch as he things I need to do and the things I love
to do disintegrate into chaos. The more
chaos, the less fight I have to make her leave.
If only I could wrest back control before it got too bad. If only she weren’t so heavy.
The worst part for me, is that no one
else sees her. In my head I am screaming,
can’t you see!? Don’t you see her? This impostor in my skin?! Those aren’t my
eyes, or my words. Why can’t you see?
I am one of the lucky ones. She hasn’t beaten me yet. She still leaves, eventually, and I can breathe
and see the sun again. My thoughts are
my own and my smile is full of love and light.
And I get to talk to my family and friends and feel something. Good or bad.
Anything is better than the emptiness, the nothing that the stranger
brings.
Sometimes she stays away for a long
time, and I can almost forget about her.
Almost. When she is gone I can do
things to help keep her away. I can eat
right and do things that I love. I can
make myself, and my family smile and laugh.
I can hug my dogs and keep my home clean and cheery. She doesn’t like the happy things.
Something always happens and she
comes back. I look in the mirror and see
her eyes. If only she would stay
away. If only she weren’t so heavy. If only she weren’t…me.
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Hi guys,
I was VERY tired today and felt myself just going through
the motions. It felt similar to when I
have a bad bought of depression. I am
good right now though. It was
interesting to see and acknowledge that this is what it’s like for me from the
other side. When you are in it, it can
be hard to see the forest for the trees.
I started to write at work, and emailed the beginning to
myself to finish later, J has access to my email and saw it. He got worried. Poor thing.
But it is also good to know that I have an amazing support system when I
need it. And sometimes I do.
Remember, like the bloggess says, depression lies. You are not alone, and there is light at the
end of the tunnel. If you need it, seek
help.
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